Today is a brain mush day. Yesterday was WAAAAAY to lazy in our house. After a weekend of camping and air shows and beach living (and massive sunburn....when the antibiotics say to avoid direct exposure to sun, they aren't kidding!) it felt good to just lay in the air conditioning and watch mindless TV (I could watch iCarly all day. There. I said it.)
There were a few moments over the weekend that I wanted to freeze. Our little family unit of 4 travels so well together and we excel at camping. It's a hobby that I'm so thankful for and I truly feel blessed that we're all such lovers of camping. We spent time at Ft. Custer Recreation Area this weekend (it's in Battle Creek. Truly one of my fav state parks.) and enjoyed the Air Show. We didn't get to see the hot air balloons which was quite a bummer, but we did get to see jets/airplanes/fun planes @ the air show, and we experienced our first canoe trip with the girls. That was cool b/c Dan and I have done a lot of canoeing together over the years and it was fun to share that with the girls. Eagle Lake @ Ft. Custer was beautiful, mainly because it's pure trees. There are no houses on the lake. And, swimming there is a crazy show - minnows, sun fish and carp swim RIGHT up to you. I couldn't go in. I was a smidge freaked by the carp. But, the girls and Dan loved it. We rode bikes. Walked. Roller skated. Made s'mores. And talked. That's the best part. Watching Dan and Molly sit by the fire and have conversation. I have no idea what they talked about - that's their thing. But, whatever it was, it lasted for a long time. It blessed my heart. Katie and I rode in the car both ways, so we had alone time to talk about various topics. (The things that float through her little brain astonish me.)
Of course I dream of big family vacations. I want to go to Disney with my girls. I want to travel the United States. I was to see so many things. But I don't want to move past the simplicity of camping. I never want to abandon the time we have just the four of us, with our little totes of goodies, and our s'more sticks. I'm thankful that our family enjoys this adventure of camping. It's a moment that I will freeze in my mind forever.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Moving Day
I feel like my brain is just flying...it's as if I drank a case of Mountain Dew then downed a bag of Pixie Sticks. I can't slow it down, and it's frustrating. This week has been a tunnel of very different emotions and experiences. There are moments that I feel so completely alone, and then there are the times when I feel overwhelmed with an outpouring of support and encouragement. I do feel, though, that I've gone through a rite of passage of sorts. I've graduated. My parents are not 100% helpless by any means. But, we've leveled out the playing field...
Although my mind is racing, I feel like it's completely numb. They're transporting mom today @ 1:30 to a short term care facility. She'll be doing rehab, which will be very good for her. She's an amazing woman with a strong spirit, so I'm sure that this will be a short stay for her. She just wants to go home.
My dad....he's never had to survive without my mom. I was telling him yesterday that we needed to start working on our new definition of "Normal". Because what would used to call "normal" is no longer. He's in a very frazzled state...very confused, tired, drained. The thing that I love even more about my dad these days is that he's raw. He's not afraid to show his emotions and share his fears. In the past week, I've hugged my dad more times than I can count, and just held him as he cried while watching my mom suffer. I, of course, want to run towards the side of crying too because I feel this pain. But, I know that if I lose it in front of my dad, he'll hurt even more. So, for him, I'm strong. I save my shedding of emotions for Dan, the car, the shower and apparently while I'm sitting at my desk at work (caught myself crying the other day while sorting out paper clips...someday I'll laugh at myself for this...) I told my dad that maybe we needed to start moving forward with cleaning out the fridge, doing some laundry (his response, "Your mom is a little particular about how she does the laundry." I told him that I think she'd be okay with him having clean underwear), paying some bills, and various everyday tasks that my mom would normally oversee. It's going to be hard for him. My biggest hope for him is that he realizes that by doing these things, he's not conceding to the fact that she's gone. Because she's not. She's on a mini-break. And, she would WANT him to continue on, so we must do that. But the pain that he feels runs deep. And after being married to someone for 49 years, I can only imagine that he feels like he's missing his other half.
I've called my brother in. Dan and the girls and I are supposed to leave for a little vacation next week, so, I asked Joel to come home and be with dad. My dad will probably feel that he doesn't need it, but, I think it was for my peace of mind. My mom will be okay. She's going to be in a safe place that will give her amazing treatment. I just want to make sure that my dad keeps going.
Ahhhhhhhhh.........we'll get through this. It's a comfort to see my mom smile at me. But, in her heart of hearts, I know that SHE knows that things have changed. I just have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Our new normal.......
Although my mind is racing, I feel like it's completely numb. They're transporting mom today @ 1:30 to a short term care facility. She'll be doing rehab, which will be very good for her. She's an amazing woman with a strong spirit, so I'm sure that this will be a short stay for her. She just wants to go home.
My dad....he's never had to survive without my mom. I was telling him yesterday that we needed to start working on our new definition of "Normal". Because what would used to call "normal" is no longer. He's in a very frazzled state...very confused, tired, drained. The thing that I love even more about my dad these days is that he's raw. He's not afraid to show his emotions and share his fears. In the past week, I've hugged my dad more times than I can count, and just held him as he cried while watching my mom suffer. I, of course, want to run towards the side of crying too because I feel this pain. But, I know that if I lose it in front of my dad, he'll hurt even more. So, for him, I'm strong. I save my shedding of emotions for Dan, the car, the shower and apparently while I'm sitting at my desk at work (caught myself crying the other day while sorting out paper clips...someday I'll laugh at myself for this...) I told my dad that maybe we needed to start moving forward with cleaning out the fridge, doing some laundry (his response, "Your mom is a little particular about how she does the laundry." I told him that I think she'd be okay with him having clean underwear), paying some bills, and various everyday tasks that my mom would normally oversee. It's going to be hard for him. My biggest hope for him is that he realizes that by doing these things, he's not conceding to the fact that she's gone. Because she's not. She's on a mini-break. And, she would WANT him to continue on, so we must do that. But the pain that he feels runs deep. And after being married to someone for 49 years, I can only imagine that he feels like he's missing his other half.
I've called my brother in. Dan and the girls and I are supposed to leave for a little vacation next week, so, I asked Joel to come home and be with dad. My dad will probably feel that he doesn't need it, but, I think it was for my peace of mind. My mom will be okay. She's going to be in a safe place that will give her amazing treatment. I just want to make sure that my dad keeps going.
Ahhhhhhhhh.........we'll get through this. It's a comfort to see my mom smile at me. But, in her heart of hearts, I know that SHE knows that things have changed. I just have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Our new normal.......
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
So far, 38 sucks....
...all this with my mom kicked in on my birthday. So, in my opinion, 38 sucks. Today I feel old. It's that time warp again - that one that pulls me into the moment, even though I don't feel ready for it yet. I realize, again, that this is the circle of life. But, I don't FEEL old enough to be hitting this stage. Clearly I am. My parents are 70 and 71. This is what happens. But, I'm not ready. Are we ever? No. Am I in a selfish place today. Hell yes.
Today, I had to discuss words like "Code C" and "Durable Power of Attorney." These are not words that I like. These are not words that I enjoy using. But alas, here we are.
I talked to my BFF this a.m. She is one of 6 kids. I have ALWAYS loved and admired the sibling relationships that are in that family. I'll admit - I get jealous at times. Today, I would give anything to have more siblings. Joel, my brother, is in Illinois. He, surprisingly (and I say that with all the love I have, Joel) was very calm and collected last night, talking me off the ledge. After receiving the phone call from the dr. that I needed to come down to help decipher things, I went into a complete panic attack. I called Joel and I told him that I was living my worst possible nightmare. He told me to take a deep breath and relax. And never, in all my 38 years (stupid 38) have I ever felt complete relief as I did in the voice of my brother. I actually did calm down. Huh! Joel...look at us! We're grown up brother and sister :-)
I also convinced my dad to go home for a bit today. That made me feel grown up too :-)
Today I had another thought flash through my head about my mom. Please try to follow along.....I recently attended a funeral at church for a man that lived 99 amazing years. Our pastor talked during the service about grief and love. That our gift to be able to love, no matter how much joy it brings us on a daily basis, will also cause us immense pain. It's basically a Catch 22. The more we love, the more we grieve. I wouldn't trade it in - I would not want to have missed out on Pat Beals as my mother, but this grieving part is awful. Realizing that there is a chance that she'll bounce back and be the mom that she was a week ago, I also have to start putting myself in the place of not having her like I did a week ago. I think that maybe this is part of my process? I don't know....I've never been through this......
At one point, I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I laughed because my hair is short now, and today it's super curly. And my mom's is super curly right now too because she hasn't been combing it. It's the one thing that people always say we have in common, which then in turn makes us laugh, because being adopted, I clearly don't have my mom's hair! One of the nurse's commented on it today and I found myself starting to giggle about it and then got really sad because my giggling cohort didn't hear it. I also caught myself, stupidly enough, questioning one of the terms that the dr. used. I immediately thought, "Oh, I'll call mom and ask her." This is the stuff that freaks me out.....the natural reaction to a situation might be "call mom" and now, I have to redirect all of my tendancies. Can you re-train a 38 year old (stupid 38)?
Today, I had to discuss words like "Code C" and "Durable Power of Attorney." These are not words that I like. These are not words that I enjoy using. But alas, here we are.
I talked to my BFF this a.m. She is one of 6 kids. I have ALWAYS loved and admired the sibling relationships that are in that family. I'll admit - I get jealous at times. Today, I would give anything to have more siblings. Joel, my brother, is in Illinois. He, surprisingly (and I say that with all the love I have, Joel) was very calm and collected last night, talking me off the ledge. After receiving the phone call from the dr. that I needed to come down to help decipher things, I went into a complete panic attack. I called Joel and I told him that I was living my worst possible nightmare. He told me to take a deep breath and relax. And never, in all my 38 years (stupid 38) have I ever felt complete relief as I did in the voice of my brother. I actually did calm down. Huh! Joel...look at us! We're grown up brother and sister :-)
I also convinced my dad to go home for a bit today. That made me feel grown up too :-)
Today I had another thought flash through my head about my mom. Please try to follow along.....I recently attended a funeral at church for a man that lived 99 amazing years. Our pastor talked during the service about grief and love. That our gift to be able to love, no matter how much joy it brings us on a daily basis, will also cause us immense pain. It's basically a Catch 22. The more we love, the more we grieve. I wouldn't trade it in - I would not want to have missed out on Pat Beals as my mother, but this grieving part is awful. Realizing that there is a chance that she'll bounce back and be the mom that she was a week ago, I also have to start putting myself in the place of not having her like I did a week ago. I think that maybe this is part of my process? I don't know....I've never been through this......
At one point, I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I laughed because my hair is short now, and today it's super curly. And my mom's is super curly right now too because she hasn't been combing it. It's the one thing that people always say we have in common, which then in turn makes us laugh, because being adopted, I clearly don't have my mom's hair! One of the nurse's commented on it today and I found myself starting to giggle about it and then got really sad because my giggling cohort didn't hear it. I also caught myself, stupidly enough, questioning one of the terms that the dr. used. I immediately thought, "Oh, I'll call mom and ask her." This is the stuff that freaks me out.....the natural reaction to a situation might be "call mom" and now, I have to redirect all of my tendancies. Can you re-train a 38 year old (stupid 38)?
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