THE Moment

I saw my mom two seperate times today. I went with the girls after church and then we went tonight. Both times, I realized just how unhappy my mom is in the hospital. And then, I had the moment. The moment where I felt I jumped over that vague line in the sand. The moment where I crossed from being the daughter who is taken care of, to being the daughter who takes care of. It literally hit me like a wave of heat. At one point, I was standing next to my mom, rubbing her face, telling her that she just needed to realize that she wasn't going home. All day, that's all she's been saying. She wants to go home. When we talked to the surgeon this a.m., she seemed so happy because there was a plan in action - surgery was on the agenda for tomorrow. But, that meant that she's in the hospital until AT LEAST Tuesday. When I saw her tonight, she was a-n-g-r-y at my dad and my uncle because they wouldn't take her home. She told the innocent Unit Tech when he asked if there was anything he could do, "You could let me go home." I finally used my stern voice with her. The voice I use with Katie and Molly. "Mom...you KNOW you can't go home. You need to stop. You can't be mad at dad or Uncle Larry because they won't take you home. Now stop being ridiculous." She just looked up at me with big eyes. I hated that feeling. And then after I said it, I took a deep breath and stepped back. Because it was something that SHE would have said to ME, had I been the one laying in that bed. She's not ready to let go of her role as the care-giver. But, she also needs to take on the role of care-taker....she needs to take what we're willing to give her. And for me, it's a slow motion piece of realization. I've allowed myself to enter into this time...realizing that my mother in not invincible. I think she has done such a good job my entire life covering just how bad her MS is, how much pain she endures, I just continue to move forward with things, not acknowledging that there is an issue. But, I acknowledge it now.