Moving Day

I feel like my brain is just flying...it's as if I drank a case of Mountain Dew then downed a bag of Pixie Sticks. I can't slow it down, and it's frustrating. This week has been a tunnel of very different emotions and experiences. There are moments that I feel so completely alone, and then there are the times when I feel overwhelmed with an outpouring of support and encouragement. I do feel, though, that I've gone through a rite of passage of sorts. I've graduated. My parents are not 100% helpless by any means. But, we've leveled out the playing field...

Although my mind is racing, I feel like it's completely numb. They're transporting mom today @ 1:30 to a short term care facility. She'll be doing rehab, which will be very good for her. She's an amazing woman with a strong spirit, so I'm sure that this will be a short stay for her. She just wants to go home.

My dad....he's never had to survive without my mom. I was telling him yesterday that we needed to start working on our new definition of "Normal". Because what would used to call "normal" is no longer. He's in a very frazzled state...very confused, tired, drained. The thing that I love even more about my dad these days is that he's raw. He's not afraid to show his emotions and share his fears. In the past week, I've hugged my dad more times than I can count, and just held him as he cried while watching my mom suffer. I, of course, want to run towards the side of crying too because I feel this pain. But, I know that if I lose it in front of my dad, he'll hurt even more. So, for him, I'm strong. I save my shedding of emotions for Dan, the car, the shower and apparently while I'm sitting at my desk at work (caught myself crying the other day while sorting out paper clips...someday I'll laugh at myself for this...) I told my dad that maybe we needed to start moving forward with cleaning out the fridge, doing some laundry (his response, "Your mom is a little particular about how she does the laundry." I told him that I think she'd be okay with him having clean underwear), paying some bills, and various everyday tasks that my mom would normally oversee. It's going to be hard for him. My biggest hope for him is that he realizes that by doing these things, he's not conceding to the fact that she's gone. Because she's not. She's on a mini-break. And, she would WANT him to continue on, so we must do that. But the pain that he feels runs deep. And after being married to someone for 49 years, I can only imagine that he feels like he's missing his other half.

I've called my brother in. Dan and the girls and I are supposed to leave for a little vacation next week, so, I asked Joel to come home and be with dad. My dad will probably feel that he doesn't need it, but, I think it was for my peace of mind. My mom will be okay. She's going to be in a safe place that will give her amazing treatment. I just want to make sure that my dad keeps going.

Ahhhhhhhhh.........we'll get through this. It's a comfort to see my mom smile at me. But, in her heart of hearts, I know that SHE knows that things have changed. I just have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Our new normal.......